Longing: The pain of what never was and the desire for what cannot be

Source: Confession of a soul: Pessoa on the threshold between reality and dream

"I feel as though I am always on the verge of waking up, but never truly wake up. I suffer from the pain of the thought that I could have been someone else. These are the most painful feelings, the most shameful feelings: the longing for what never was, the desire for what could have been, the sorrow that the present is not the past, and the despair that I am not who I never was."

Fernando Pessoa, The Book of Disquiet (Livro do Desassossego, 1913-1935)

Explanation: When imagination creates loss: The mechanics of longing for the imagined

Pessoa, a fascinating 20th-century Portuguese writer, describes a paradox: how can we "remember" something that hasn't happened yet? The answer is that longing creates an imagined reality so vivid that losing it feels like a genuine loss. A person mourns a life they never lived, a love that never came to be, their could-have-been self. A sense of deprivation exists even toward the imagined, and such longing is a black hole, with no resolution.

Perspective: Between destruction and growth: The choice within longing

Soldiers return from war and mourn the life they "were supposed" to have if they hadn't gone to war; bereaved parents mourn a wedding that will never take place; fifty-year-olds mourn the career they gave up at twenty. This is the most terrible longing—a longing for fantasy. It cannot be satisfied, because its object will never exist. The difference between people who are destroyed by longing and those who are nourished by it is not in the intensity of the pain; it lies in whether they view longing as an emotion that must be 'resolved,' or as an engine for growth.

Going Deeper: The soul's phantom limb: Pain in an empty space

"Phantom Limb Syndrome" demonstrates this idea on a neurological level. About 80% of amputees feel pain or sensation in a limb that no longer exists. The brain continues to send and receive signals from an area that is no longer there. This is a perfect metaphor for longing: we feel pain in an empty space, precisely. The nervous system insists on finding the missing limb, longing for what is gone—a longing that generates pain.

Culture: La La Land: A final glance at Neverland

The film "La La Land" (2016), which won six Academy Awards, tells the story of two frustrated artists, Mia and Sebastian, whose paths diverge. After each has succeeded and built a life, they meet again, and at the end of the film we see both of them imagining an entirely different course for their lives. The final glance between them is an acceptance of their choice and a letting go of longing for a life that will never happen. La La Land is the event that exists only in fantasy, Peter Pan's 'Neverland.'