Relationships: The hidden art of being both a helper and opposite him
Is your partner supposed to always agree with you, or actually oppose you?
Source: The mysterious phrase that defines relationships
" 'And for Adam he did not find a helper opposite him':
If he is worthy — a helper. If he is not worthy — opposite him, to fight him."
(Rashi on Genesis 2:18, based on Babylonian Talmud Yevamot 63a)
Explanation: The mirror of relationships: What you give is what you get
The Torah describes woman as 'a helper opposite him'—a phrase that seems contradictory: How can someone be both 'a helper' and 'opposite him'? Rashi explains: If he is worthy, his partner will be a helper to him; if not, opposite him. A relationship is a mirror: what you get depends on what you bring. In another interpretation of the word knegdo ('opposite him'), the meaning is facing rather than against, so that both stand face to face, helping one another.
Perspective: When opposition is the deepest form of love
The deep paradox: sometimes being 'opposite him' is precisely what is needed. Rebekah went 'against' Isaac when she helped Jacob receive the blessings—and thanks to her, the people of Israel was built. Abigail went 'against' her husband Nabal and prevented David from shedding blood—saving everyone. Ruth went 'against' logic when she refused to leave Naomi—and from her lineage came King David.
A relationship built entirely on agreement is a relationship built on a lie. A good partner knows when to be 'a helper' and when to be 'opposite him'—and that takes courage, and above all, self-awareness.
Going Deeper: The magic ratio: The science behind relationship balance
Dr. John Gottman of the University of Washington studied thousands of couples over forty years and found he could predict divorce with 90% accuracy. The finding: happy couples aren't those who never fight—they're the ones who maintain a 5:1 ratio. For every negative interaction, five positive ones. Being 'opposite him' can be healthy, provided there is enough 'helper' to balance it out. This balance ensures that compassion, humor, and appreciation outweigh criticism and contempt, even in moments of conflict. He called this 'the magic ratio.'
Culture: Inner serenity: Zelda on the perfection of love
The poet Zelda wrote several poems of widowhood, longing for her late husband, Chaim. This is what she wrote to a friend about Chaim, her beloved: "In his company I felt such serenity, an inner peace I had never known in anyone's company. As if everything that happened and would happen with him was the right thing that ought to happen, because everything is sun. As if there were nothing superfluous in me, nor in him. Nor in the world." Upon his death from a severe illness after twenty years of marriage, without children, Zelda writes:
When you were here / your brown gaze protecting me / and our thoughts touching / suddenly / wing to wing. / When you were with me / amidst fleeting things / the walls were elderly housemates / telling ancient tales / in the evening / when we drank tea. Now the walls are no shelter / they have shut themselves in their silence / and will not notice when I fall / now the walls are lime and cement / a foreign element / unresponsive clay, like death.