Relationships: The art of closeness through distance

Source: Two solitudes that protect each other: Rilke on the truth of love

"And this, in my opinion, is the purpose for which one must strive in every bond of affection and love: that two people protect each other's solitude, set its boundaries and bless it... for the merging of two people is impossible... Good love is this: two solitudes that protect each other, touch each other and bless each other."

(Rainer Maria Rilke, Letters to a Young Poet, Seventh Letter, 1903)

Explanation: Merging as an illusion: Why boundaries are the greatest gift we can give

Unlike the Platonic myth (which we saw last week) that strives for symbiosis and the dissolution of boundaries, the poet Rilke argues that merging is a dangerous illusion. A relationship is not a fusion of two into one, but the creation of sacred boundaries. A partner's role is not to fill the void inside you, but to be the "protector" who allows you to be whole with yourself (solitary in the positive sense), without feeling abandoned. The greatest closeness becomes possible precisely when there is recognition of the impassable distance between two subjects.

Perspective: Clingy relationships: When the desire to merge turns into violence

We live in an era of "clingy relationships." Couples share Facebook passwords, GPS locations, and bank accounts, thinking that if we know everything, we will be closer. Rilke warns us against taking this too far. When two bodies get too close, they do not merge—they collide.

A healthy relationship requires distance. The attempt to "fully understand the other" is an act of violence, because it tries to reduce the other to the dimensions of my own logic. One explanation for the phenomenon of abusive men is "excessive love"—a desire for total merger that leaves no room for air and freedom, a love that has no boundaries and does not respect boundaries.

Going Deeper: The attachment paradox: How healthy dependency creates true independence

Attachment theory and the dependency paradox.

Psychologists John Bowlby and Mary Ainsworth discovered that the more secure a child feels in their base (the parent), the more they dare to venture out and explore the world independently. This is also true for adults: "effective dependency" creates independence. The more we know we have a "protector" (in Rilke's words), the less we need constant validation, and the more we can develop a strong, separate "self." Whether in a family or just in a friendship, those who take over and do not respect boundaries produce dependent, insecure partners. Listen closely to the song in the link.

Culture: Lost in Translation: Being alone together and protecting the other's secret

In the 1970s, a troubling phenomenon developed in Japan, known as hikikomori (social withdrawal/confinement), which grew into an epidemic. Young people and adults, over a million individuals today, have become recluses, depressed, and at risk of suicide. Sofia Coppola’s 2003 film Lost in Translation depicts a platonic romance between Bob and Charlotte, two lonely strangers in a Tokyo hotel. Bob and Charlotte develop a deep, gentle intimacy that never slides into a banal physical affair; they do not try to solve each other's loneliness, but simply be lonely together. The final scene, in which Bob whispers something into Charlotte’s ear (which we, the audience, never hear), is the perfect illustration of preserving the other's secret and distance, in the midst of infinite closeness.