Divorce: The art of victory in letting go

Source: The art of war: When a way out prevents ruin

"The greatest victory is the one that does not require war... When you besiege an army, leave it a way out. Do not press a desperate enemy too hard."

Sun Tzu, **"The Art of War"**, China, 5th century BCE; Image: Jeff Bezos and his wife, before the most expensive divorce in history ($35 billion)

Explanation: From the battlefield to the mediation room

Sun Tzu speaks of armies, but he accurately describes the dynamic inside mediation rooms. Divorce is a battlefield where egos and interests collide. His advice—to "leave a way out" for the enemy—is the key to preventing the total destruction of everyone involved.

Perspective: Justice as the cruelest weapon

In a divorce, nothing is more dangerous than "justice." Justice is the cruelest weapon in the human arsenal. Everyone is right, and so everyone bleeds. Sun Tzu understood 2,500 years ago what couples in family court sometimes forget: a prolonged war drains you dry. If you try to "defeat" your ex, if you back them into a corner with no way out—you are creating a ticking time bomb. The real victory in any breakup is strategic concession. Give the other side "a ladder to climb down," not for their sake—for your sanity. Anyone who walks away from this campaign with "total victory" will soon discover they are king over a pile of rubble.

Going Deeper: Kamza and Bar Kamza: When pride burns down the house

The story of Kamza and Bar Kamza (Gittin 55b–56a). The destruction of Jerusalem did not begin with the Roman army, but with a man who could not let go of his "honor" and refused to leave the other person a way out from humiliation. It is a parable for the danger of a hardened heart during conflict. When personal justice becomes the be-all and end-all, the house (national or private) burns down. Less known is the second legend explaining the destruction, which concludes Tractate Gittin, about a woman who divorced her husband and made her former husband into a servant to her and her new husband. The altar wept twice, its heart broke, and it was destroyed (see Sunday's "Source").

Culture: HaGashash HaHiver and Medea: The children caught between the bombs

One of the most famous sketches by the comedy trio HaGashash HaHiver turns the story of divorce into farce. Yoram and Barbara Karker battle each other—Karker versus Karker—over the division of property. Both want to grab everything they can get their hands on, down to the "extension cord," but neither actually wants their shared child. In many divorce myths, the children are the ones who suffer, murdered and used as pawns, from Euripides's "Medea" to V.C. Andrews's "Flowers in the Attic."